THE INNER-WORKINGS OF MY MIND

My mind works on overdrive all the time, unless I make a point to slow it down, the problem is when I relax the mind, the body get nervous. The nerves inside my body get higher, the only way to relax the body again, is to let my mind run free and rapid. Throughout most of my day, my mind and my body are functioning at a low and high level at the same time, which one’s which? It varies. During the day my mind is trying to run wild but seeing as I must socialize, work and all the stuff that comes from being part of a system, I force myself to relax the mind, in order to interact with others. In order for me to be able to fit into society the brain must be relaxed, meaning that during my conversations, my body is a nervous wreck. This is why I prefer writing, I can go back, edit my words, speak more clearly in the hopes of expressing myself better, whilst my body is relaxed. Alone time for me is very important, I really enjoy being in the company of others, I get depressed without it but if I don’t recharge alone for at least a day, I can’t function properly afterwards. In being helpful, positive and considerate to others, kindness is hard when my mind and body are overworked and exhausted.

Getting the mind and body to function high at the same time is easy, I get excited very quickly, especially when I verbally express myself without slowing down the mind. This has actually been a problem for me all my life, I speak very fast because I’m speaking as quickly as my brain is thinking. When I force myself to slow down my mind, to speak clearer and actually use full stops in my speech, my body becomes nervous and I just want to move on from the conversation. This usually happens to me with small talk or when beating around the bush, but when I’m in a deep conversation, a human to human intellectual, mind expanding conversation, that I can do for hours, whilst keeping both my mind and my body relaxed. This I can usually accomplish better with open minded people, for example those who would be able to believe in aliens, not because of the alien part, that is just the example, but that open mindedness, that I can connect to and relax with. As I try to slow my mind, my body tends to get very nervous from within, my brain just wants to take over and think quickly, not slowly, but to communicate properly, I have to slow it down. I usually come across as quite nervous to many people whilst interacting with them. Valium is always suggested to me, I hate pharmaceutical drugs, for many reasons, but at the same time, I do understand sometimes we need a break when the nerves cannot be controlled. Not because there is no alternative but rather in the hopes of keeping up within the system, we’re living in. If I had more time to balance my well-being productive side of life with my work life, I wouldn’t be struggling. I love my job which makes it much easier, but if you don’t enjoy it, that’s just torture, that’s not simply fixed by believing “that’s how life works”. If a person ever does take Valium, I believe no longer than two-three months is healthy. Valium is not the cure; it might be the “purish” button but as we all know “purish” does not last forever.

Getting both my mind and body to function slow at the same time, that’s the hard part for me, at least when I play the game of trying to fit into society and keeping up within the system. Meditation, that works well for me to slow down both the mind and body, especially when I do it outside in the sun, this is actually the best way for me to accomplish this but I do have other ways. Watching a TV show I am truly invested in, reading a book I am captivated with, having a deep conversation with someone about life and the beyond, interacting with children (especially my nephew), driving my bike from place to place and enjoying the moment wherever I stop. A nice warm bath, organizing my collectables, cuddling, singing, cannabis and most importantly of all, writing. Writing is the compromise, it’s when I let my mind run wild on me, but I release those thoughts by typing them out. When my body is calm and my mind rushing, writing is the only time this combination of fast mind, relaxed body, works well for me. What might seem like scribblish and nonsensical in my first draft, in my opinion makes a lot of sense when I rearrange, research my ideas and expand my thoughts whilst I put it all together through rewrites.

Since I was very little, my mind always worked over time, the stop button, I had no idea where it was. I’d releasee these thoughts by writing fiction, mainly funny stories, scripts, that’s how I released my childish over analytical-creative-imagination in order to relax the mind. I enjoyed diving into fictional worlds, making up characters and stories was easier than interacting in this world with all the great characters in my actual physical life. Socialising for me means relaxing the mind in order to focus and have a conversation but in doing so, my body gets very nervous and this to a degree becomes exhausting for me. Writing is the reverse, the mind goes wild, whilst the body is relaxed, not only is this more comfortable for me, I truly enjoy the stuff my mind creates, which results in writing I am very intrigued to read and learn from myself. My thoughts don’t make sense to me completely until I sit down and write them out, when I read them, that’s when it all clicks for me. I think this is natural for all humans, whilst your working, keeping up during the day, the mind seems to be more relaxed (or at least preoccupied) than the body but at night when your body is relaxed, when you’re trying to sleep, does your mind not run wild on you too? If we’re connected to the universe, and during times of peacefulness and relaxation the universe speaks to us, might those be our thoughts, thoughts we must analyse to make sense of them ourselves? In this hectic world and rat race we all live in; the universe only has a short time to speak to our relaxed body. I think it mainly tries to communicate to us at night, during our dreams, when our body and mind are both in complete relaxation, a dream journal, I’m finally going to start one and take it seriously.

When I was little, I had this more out of control, through the years I learned how to slow down the mind, whilst speaking to others, and remaining somewhat calm in order to socialize properly and make connections with people. This I started accomplishing in my early teens, however back in 2008 when my problems started, especially once 2010 came along, I completely lost control of this again, I was now twenty-three. After developing epilepsy, my brain seemed to have been rewired, to the point where what once worked, didn’t work anymore. Not just in controlling my mind during conversations, but also controlling it during my writing. This time I could not control my mind to think up fun stories to release through writing as I had always used to relax. This time, my mind was in control, no more fun stories, Chakras, Spirituality, Spinal Cord, Epilepsy, Politics, Bullies, DNA, Medical Marijuana, Meditation, Neurons, Pineal Glands etc… These were the new thoughts my brain wanted to think about, therefor this was what I was going to have to write, if I didn’t want to get into a battle with my own mind. Before I developed epilepsy, I had ideas I wanted to write, which I was so passionate about and spent years playing around with many fun concepts. I wanted to write a magical fantasy adventure novel, an idea about aliens, a story about giants who roamed the universe, an Arabian tale and so many others, none of which I’ve gotten around to writing. After my spiritual awakening or my mental breakdown, however you view it, my mind could no longer focus on childish fictional stories. It had to focus on life and trying to understand all aspects of who we are, even if it went against everything I ever believed before my brain’s way of thinking was reborn to accept what I once believed unacceptable.

Then finally when all was over, when my legal case ended, when I stood up to my bullies, when I cured my epilepsy, when I somewhat learned to slow down my mind again, when I understood my new mental rewiring, I had the chance to write my first book. Would it be a fantasy adventure? Should I finally write that alien story? How about a frog saving Christmas? No, I ended up writing a book titled Politics, Bullies & You, never in my life, until age twenty-five, did I ever think this would have been the first book I would have ever written. Truth be told, it’s the best, happiest, most unexpected decision I ever made, this was the story my mind needed me to share, I felt relief once I had put these thoughts to paper. Also, by sharing my experience with those willing to read it, helped me move on from the “trauma” and negativity of my past situation and put all my effort into being positive. Maybe that’s why my brain was so insistent that I write this, my actual real-life experience is what turned out to be what made me an official first-time author, taking away that feeling unknowingly of needing to share this story with others out of my subconscious. At the same time healing myself from that past, allowing myself to move on from it, as a learning experience and not an unlearned lesson from my life. A lesson which has taken me through a thought-process and life direction I never would have imagined but truly feel more fulfilled in this journey, than any of the other ones I had set as goals beforehand, though that doesn’t mean I don’t plan to accomplish everything I can.

As I wrote the book, I thought am I being a little over dramatic in how deep I’m diving into it? The spiritual, hallucinational, self-destruction leading to a mental rebirth at a whole new way of seeing life, by questioning everything I had ever believed, I didn’t want to add that. I didn’t want to share that part of my story, but my gut would not let me edit out what my brain had wanted to write. Throughout 2020, my own book made more sense to me, I finally believed I knew why I felt the need to share this story at this moment. 2020 was all just the beginning, now all of us our waking up together at the same time, at least I’m being optimistic about it.

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